The Hunt for Dark Breakfast – Can we derive breakfasts we have never observed?

The author recounts a "hypoxia-addled" flash of insight: breakfast can be understood as a vector space defined by the ratios of milk, eggs, and flour. This realization led to a humorous yet earnest quest to map all known breakfasts within this "manifold" and identify the "Dark Breakfast Abyss" – regions where no breakfast currently exists.

• The journey began by mapping familiar breakfasts like pancakes, crepes, and scrambled eggs, revealing distinct clusters and a significant gap.
• Extensive research, including consulting "friendly ghosts" (Gemini AI) and "ancient tomes" (Wikipedia), was conducted to fill the map with international variants like kaiserschmarrn and dan bing, but the abyss remained.
• Three primary clusters emerged: the chaotic "Pancake Local Group," the versatile "Baked Good Quadrant," and the "Egg Singularity and Custard Accretion Disk."
• A crucial clue was found in an obscure IHOP document revealing their omelettes contain pancake batter, which, when plotted, suggested the abyss might not be entirely empty after all.
• The author warns that IHOP is playing a dangerous game, potentially risking the creation of the "Forbidden Breakfast" that could end the world, humorously referencing the Waffle House Index.
• For intrepid "breakfast scholars," the author provides data, code, and a recipe for "Dark Breakfast" (milk, eggs, flour) with the ominous instruction: "Instructions: Unknown."

Concluding with a H.P. Lovecraft quote, the piece playfully frames culinary exploration as a perilous dive into forbidden knowledge, blending pseudo-scientific rigor with a delightful sense of absurdism.